Ruby Journal

Learn to Know Myself Better

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Unlike some of my friends, I occassionally write or blog. Because I don’t know how to express myself in verbal or writting form. In fact I suck at both. It is not because I hate them, on the contrary I love communication and always get fascinated by charismatic speeches. I have been always avoiding confronting this very own problem of mine. Gradually I refrain to question the problem at all.

However today is special. When everyone’s busy with hectic life, I am lying here, on the hospital bed waiting for the surgery. I have been admitted to hospital for 3 days, at the beginning the fear of surgery makes me anxious and terrified. The urge to express what are going in my head drove me crazy and hopeless. I could not able to focus until the day three, on which all the anxeties seems gone, I felt very peaceful and calm, as if I truly reach my own point of solitude. I learn to be patient and accept things that I could not control and most importantly I learn to accept myself.

I was born different.

I have never been good at talking and writting but I am gifted with different ability. Ability to conceive and interpret things visually, I could remember shapes and pictures and be able to draw them from memory and I could draw many shapes before I know how to write alphabets. My brain is programmed in a very graphical but organic way. It’s like Van Goh or Picasso artworks rather than Gantt or Pie charts. There are no rules to predicate how the artwork should be interpreted, just like a Picasso painting, it could mean a universe to some and a doodle work to some. The strength is that you are able to perceive things in multi-paradigms. However the caveat is that you are drown in the multiple streams of thoughts that you hardly be able to express ideas in a coherent way. And just like arts, it takes skills and time to build up the depth to appreciate.

So stop blaming other external factors before you have asserted yourself. Please ignoring all prejudices and expectations. Give yourself space and time to learn more about yourself. It’ll be a long journey but a rewarding one.

Good luck